I Failed Lent

Man oh man. I suck at Lent… Hopefully you’ve read the last post. If not, then read it first. My spiritual practice for this season of life is acceptance of whatever my situation in order to receive God’s peace. I know in my head that if I let my soul be governed by anxiety, I cannot be governed by peace.

My plan was to say as a reminder of my practice, to keep my thoughts captive, “In acceptance, there is peace.” My practice was to be one of allowing God to take my worries about my finances and future. To be completely honest, I don’t know what that means. Still… After a week of trying to figure it out… I still don’t understand.

Here’s an example: Nick and I have decided to bravely wait to move overseas to Korea because we have an opportunity to work in Saudi Arabia. This is our DREAM. We have called off our interviews with our Korean recruiters and are simply waiting. This could take up to 3 months at the worse case scenario. I know that our savings won’t last forever. So I have been scrambling… Like eggs.

Each day this past week, I have applied for at least 10 jobs. That makes it about 70 jobs so far. Now I know that financial stability is a good thing, and we’ve never defaulted on a student loan payment yet. But my fear is almost crippling. Instead of allowing myself be lead to a job that I could do for a few months, I’ve tried to apply to everything. And the more jobs that I don’t hear back from, or get rejected from, the worse I feel about myself and the more anxiety I have. Cycle of DEATH!!!

I need to end the cycle. I need to trust Jesus and accept that this might be what he has for me to do now. Wait patiently for him to give us what we need instead of my grasping for security. No financial gain can give me the peace that Jesus’ life has already purchased for me.

Would appreciate advice or life stories if you got ’em.


One thought on “I Failed Lent

  1. Did you find out what it means yet?

    Maybe understanding comes after practicing. I’m pretty sure Jesus said that somewhere 😉

    like swing dancing, you may have thought about swing dancing. Even gone a couple times, but it wasn’t until you started going EVERY Friday (whatever day) that you started to understand. To do things you couldn’t before and see things in a different way.

    Sometime we need to live ourselves into a new way of living.

    Thanks for your writing. It always inspires. Keep on.

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