Inner Issues

There is a woman at the shop where I work. She first started coming in about a year ago. We thought she was a nun, or a devout Mormon. She would come in dressed in various outfits which have included a blue nun’s head scarf, a white under-dress with pink socks and patriotic brooches. She usually comes in and orders the same thing. “1 Espresso latte, please.” She sometimes leaves several dollars in the tip jar, at most she left 200$ for a very generous tip.

You might be thinking this is an excellent customer… great tips, right?

No. She sits a scrawls strings of words on pages and pages and pages of non-sense. And says incredulous and racist things. She has a split-personality, hallucinations, is paranoid that someone is out to get her. On top of this, she is very patriotic and leaves us little notes about “USA 2nd Coming”. She has sat with signs saying “Free Exorcisms”. Her name is Mary.

This week Mary followed me to the bathroom.  Not into the single person bathroom, but right outside of it. I was not aware that she was outside, probably listening to me use the restroom, and as soon as I opened the door, she sprinted from just outside the door to her seat. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! I could not believe what had just happened. I felt so violated.

This past weekend Nick and I were up at his parents house. Sometimes its difficult for us to be there because there are so many issues left unspoken about. The weight of all the emotions that go unexpressed is almost crippling. This is mostly because we (humanity) don’t realize how our inner issues, emotions and thoughts translate into our actions toward others.

Just like Mary, our inner issues come out in more ways than we believe. Mary wasn’t thinking how it would affect me when she followed me to the bathroom. I doubt she is even aware how offensive her offhand comments are. She is going through life as she knows it. She doesn’t realize that her illness is so visible. This is the same for the rest of us. We go through life, trying to deal with x,y,z and we just don’t realize how much our issues are showing.

This week as Resurrection Day comes closer and Lent draws to a close I realize more and more how much my own emotional shortfalls come out in really negative ways. For example, I really want to take care of my own husband, and feel both useful and necessary to him. When we go to Nick’s parent’s house, Nick’s mom, has similar desires to take care of her son. I always find myself feeling incredibly useless and unnecessary. I know that this is not on purpose but this is exactly the thing I am talking about. If I did not feel so insecure, and Nick’s mom didn’t feel whatever she was feeling, we wouldn’t be hurt by each other. I realize more and more how much I need the redemption that has been accomplished by Jesus’ work on the cross.  I thank God for this gift.

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